


Love is a Full Moon

by taeminki



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 07:59:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14564529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminki/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: Jisung loved Felix, and the moon.





	Love is a Full Moon

**Author's Note:**

> ♪ half moon -dean

"Hey, Felix."

"Hmm?"

"I think we have a lot of--" Jisung dropped his book onto Felix's worksheets, "-- _chemistry_."

" _Jisu_ \--! I hate you _so much_." Felix said as he was shakily erasing the long, dark line he'd drawn over his notebook at the jolt of his hand. He pressed his palm to his chest when he was done, taking a moment to breathe-- and reached over to shove Jisung, who was still laughing, by his shoulder. Felix closed his notebook, picked up Jisung's textbook and handed it back to him. As the book was passed from one shaky set of hands to another, Felix presumed, "You must be done studying."

"I am definitely very bored, and I definitely miss my best friend." Jisung said. He leaned forward, the front of his body flopping over Felix's. Felix caught him easily, even twisted his pencil away from his fingers so Jisung didn't accidentally fall onto its sharp tip. Jisung whined into his chest, "You're just not yourself when you're studying."

"No one is. Studying makes you a shell of yourself. Your intellect takes over, and all the fun within is left for dead." Felix said. He played with the separate locks in Jisung's hair, watching the black strands part over his knuckles. Jisung's movements didn't disturb him-- the pull of his head away from Felix's chest. Felix simply followed him.

"When's our test?" Jisung asked, and Felix thought he must have pulled away for something like that. He'd had an idea; it was obvious by the way his eyes rolled to the side, the way his brows furrowed, the way his lips pursed. He looked at Felix with his furrowed brows and pursed lips, and Felix wanted to kiss him, but that wasn't his place.

"Three days." Felix said, painfully reminded that it was only Tuesday. He hated to wish the time to go faster, but his weeks seemed so long recently. Jisung made time go by quicker-- which is exactly what Felix did and _didn't_  want, because as badly as he wanted time to fly, he didn't want time _with Jisung_  to fly.

"Why does Professor Kang _love_  Friday tests? Doesn't he know Fridays are meant for fun? Partying? Cuddling with my best friend all day?" Jisung asked. His face returned to Felix's chest, and Felix laughed, heartbeat vibrating against Jisung's nose. Jisung had had enough of his position-- awkwardly laying in Felix's arms-- so he sat up, and he crossed his legs and faced Felix. He played with Felix's pant leg, pouting at his bed sheets, "I want this semester to be over."

"It almost is," Felix said, "And then Christmas comes, and we can spend a lot of time together."

"I wish we could spend Christmas together." Jisung said. He started to play with Felix's sleeve instead, rolling it up and rolling it back down, "But grandma hates having guests outside of the family over on Christmas... though she  _does_  consider you part of the family, now...."

"Don't push her." Felix laughed. He opened his fingers for Jisung, a gesture for Jisung to take them, and Jisung did-- easily, smoothly. Their fingers curled together, fit together-- "We'll spend time together before Christmas-- after, too. We'll get each other presents. I think Woojin-hyung wants to do Secret Santa again."

"You've noticed that they always have us get each other presents, right?" Jisung asked. Felix nodded, amusement painting his lips. He opened his palm, though his hand was already taken by Jisung's, and closed it again. His fingers curled and uncurled around Jisung a few times-- fluttering around his knuckles. Felix saw a flash of purple and blue, but his fingers covered it quickly.

"Felix?"

"Sorry." Felix muttered; he'd spaced out again. Jisung's frowning face came into view-- and then the rest of him, for Felix sat up, and saw the entirety of Jisung's demeanor. He was concerned; his back had bent for Felix, and straightened now for Felix. He told Felix, "It's okay," and repeated his question, and Felix nodded, "They are _constantly_  setting us up. They take our flirting too seriously."

"I don't blame them. We do too, sometimes." Jisung said, a laugh about his lips. It withered into breathless wind after a moment, and Jisung's voice gained a sentimental tone, "Remember when we convinced Jeongin we were dating for a week?"

" _Convinced?_ We didn't even say it-- I just said I was dating _someone_ , and he automatically thought it was you." Felix said. Jisung's laughter heightened from fond giggles to full-blown amusement, "And-- remember when he met Changbin-hyung?"

"He _hated_  him!" Felix said, roaring with laughter himself, "He couldn't _believe_  I would date someone like Changbin."

"He _refused_  to believe you when you said you only told him you were dating _someone_ , not _me_." Jisung said. He laughed until his head tilted down, and he looked at his and Felix's hands. He turned them over; he opened and closed his palm; he looked at Felix, "You and Changbin were good together."

"You and Minho are good together." Felix said, and he shook his head fondly, "Jeongin doesn't like Minho, either."

"Jeongin doesn't like _anyone_  that 'comes between us'." Jisung said, and Felix laughed, "That's true."

Felix's eyes began to wander as he formulated a new topic of conversation. His vision wandered to the window, and he noticed the moon-- full, and pretty; and it would remain that way for a couple days. He thought about mentioning it, knowing how much Jisung loved the night and the moon; but his eyes happened upon the clock, and his heart jumped at the numbers. A string of words left his mouth, his body moving on autopilot to follow his mind's panic. He didn't register a thing Jisung did, nor a word he said. Felix's vision tunneled, and all he could see was _home_ , because he was late and he needed to be there.

Felix wasn't sure at what point-- at what time-- his vision of home became real-- at what time he actually made it home. He just knew he was running on autopilot for the rest of the night, all the way up to his time for bed; and, all night, his mind was running in disbelief; how could he let himself be so late?

 

 

 

 

 

There was never a time in Felix's life that he would look _bad_. He just didn't have the face to look unattractive-- or perhaps Jisung didn't have the ability to see Felix as unattractive; but, even then, Jisung could recognize that he looked a _mess_. Jisung wouldn't say this out loud, in fear that Felix would take in the wrong way, but he was wearing large clothes that Jisung didn't even recognize as being his, and his hair wasn't brushed, and his glasses were crooked on his face, and he smelled too strongly of cologne. Jisung was hesitant to walk up to him, scared Felix may be feeling similar to how he looked. He dared, "Felix?"

Jisung received a smile--and breathed a sigh of relief. He mirrored the expression, and held a hand out for Felix to take-- a greeting. Felix held him, and Jisung, confident with Felix's mood, wondered, "Are you okay?"

"Woke up late." Felix muttered. He tucked his phone into his pocket-- the pocket of his _sweatpants_ , Jisung noted, and he blinked at the article of clothing for a moment-- a moment too long, as Felix noticed, and crossed his legs, insecure, "I just-- kind of came in what I wore last night."

"It's cute. I mean-- it's fine," Jisung said, looking back to Felix's face. There were bags under his eyes; Jisung wondered how much he'd slept, if he'd slept _at all_. He looked at Felix's hair again-- the part that stood out the most, especially in terms of _messy_. He looked like he'd been tossing and turning all night; and Jisung reached up to fix it, smooth it down, take the knots out with his fingers. It was a little tamer by the time Jisung was done-- tame enough that he looked as though he'd rolled out of bed that morning, rather than tossing and turning _all night_.

"You're a life-saver." Felix said, brushing his fingers through his hair now that he knew it was tame. Jisung smoothed it down again-- for something to do if nothing else. Felix mentioned, "Changbin-hyung is going to bring me a hat in a minute, since he always has extra in his locker."

"Half of them aren't even his. Chan-hyung leaves his hats in there, too. Changbin-hyung doesn't even notice," Jisung smiled. Their next topic of conversation, prompted by Felix, was how Jisung's night went-- did he sleep well? did he finish studying? was upset that felix left so quickly? (he was just confused, and yes, felix, it's okay, you don't have to be so sorry)-- and that took them up to Changbin's arrival.

"You look like hell," Changbin was honest as he crammed the hat down on Felix's head. Felix adjusted the hat, and told Changbin, "Thank you, hyung," with limited sarcasm-- which let them him know the thank you was for the hat, not the comment.

"Felix looks cute," Jisung defended, reaching to pull at the pocket of Felix's sweater. Then, he reached up to trace the rim of the hat, which he recognized as being Chan's _'moon hat'_ , featuring the prettiest phases of the moon-- full, and both slivers, "Especially now."

Jisung did this a lot-- defended Felix from Changbin's comments. Changbin never meant anything by it, and was only being blunt-- which, really, was just his personality type-- but Jisung still felt the need to make Felix feel reassured. Things had been so awkward between Changbin and Felix for the first couple of months after they broke up. Felix blamed himself, saying he wasn't good enough for Changbin, thinking he should try to change some things if he wanted love again. Jisung hated to see Felix's heart break so much-- but after a long talk between Felix and Jisung, and then another between Felix and Changbin, Felix became comfortable with his own worth, and Changbin and Felix were okay being friends. Sometimes, certain situations had an awkward aura surrounding them, but Felix and Changbin could work them out. They were good at working things out.

Jisung got caught up in thinking about Felix, and, for once, didn't notice his boyfriend sneaking up behind him. That was the whole point-- for Minho to wrap his arms around Jisung, playfully scaring him. Jisung let out a little scream, his hands retracting from Felix to grab his boyfriend's wrists. Minho had picked him up slightly, spun him away from his friends, and put him down with a loud laugh-- though his hold didn't leave Jisung completely. Jisung turned to hug Minho, and kiss him; and Minho told him, "I'm surprised that finally worked, love. I haven't been able to sneak up on you yet."

"Felix was distracting me." Jisung pouted, and laughed as Minho tickled his sides, and leaned in to kiss him again. The two returned to facing Jisung's friends when Changbin made a gagging noise. Jisung kicked out his leg, catching Changbin's shin with his foot, "Shut up, hyung. You're just jealous."

" _Please_. The day I have a relationship as sappy as yours is the day I kiss my sanity goodbye," Changbin joked, poking and prodding at the areas of Jisung's stomach that weren't covered by Minho's gentle hands. Jisung pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows, pouted his mouth and went to tell Changbin something, but Felix softly said, "They're cute," with a shrug about his shoulders and a smile in Jisung's and Minho's direction. Minho reached to pat Felix's shoulder, "I knew I liked you the most," and Jisung laughed, but he was absent-minded again, thinking about Felix and Changbin, and how this was one of the reasons they didn't work out.

Their conversation was cut short by a call from Jisung's pocket-- Seungmin asking him to meet for a quick study session before their chemistry quiz in half an hour. Seungmin was particular about studying one-on-one unless he said otherwise, and he didn't say otherwise, so Jisung was forced to say goodbye-- a wave to Changbin, a hug for Felix, a kiss for Minho. He did significantly better on the quiz than he expected, and as much as he hated to waste the time he could spend with Felix and Minho-- and Changbin, Jisung was glad Seungmin had called him to cram a bit more.

 

 

 

 

 

"I don't think your friends like me very much." Minho had a playful tone to his voice, only carried by a breathless laugh and a disingenuous smile. Jisung looked at him, taken by the statement. Minho very rarely talked about Jisung's friends-- and, most of the time he did, it was about Felix or Chan-- the two of Jisung's friends that liked Minho the most. Jisung didn't even know what to say for a moment, and only thought to ask, "What?" with some laughter, hoping Minho was joking.

"I mean... Changbin called us gross earlier today, and, it seems like your friends are always calling you away from me." Minho said. A heavy sigh accented his next words, "I don't mean to be insecure or anything, but... I don't feel right, with your friends. I really think they dislike me."

"They don't. They're only joking around-- they always do that." Jisung said. He moved his notebook aside, and moved forward on the couch. Minho was sitting on the ground-- didn't have to, but wanted to, for some reason-- said he focused better than getting comfortable on soft cushions, but his back was still against it. Jisung reached down to rub one of Minho's shoulders, hurt at the way Minho pushed him away.

"Minho."

"Sorry," Minho muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. He sighed again, and Jisung didn't like his attitude at all. It was making him nervous, really. He tried, again, to comfort Minho by touch, but, again, Minho brushed him away. Jisung scoffed a little bit, "Minho-- do you think I hate you too, or something?"

"No." Minho muttered, but it was long and drawn-out, and Jisung frowned, "Are you _sure?_ "

"I just can't stop thinking--" Minho tilted his head back, and looked at Jisung that way. Jisung looked at him, too, and waited for him to continue. He said he couldn't stop thinking, but he couldn't seem to spit the words out. Luckily, Jisung was patient-- and waited the two minutes of stuttering and sighing that it took for Minho to say, "I don't think your friends want you to be with me."

"And you think that because...?" Jisung asked. He had taken to playing with Minho's hair. Minho didn't halt the action-- yet. Jisung was almost expecting him to reach up and stop him soon, or to sit up and move away from his touches, but Minho was distracted by his thought in the meantime, "They're just always talking about you and Felix. They're always saying-- like-- you have such a great history and you're such great friends and... it seems like they _really_  like the thought of you two together, and they hate the thought of _me_  at all. Especially Jeongin. I don't think he likes me in the _least_."

Jisung wasn't a liar, and he never would be, so he skipped over Jeongin and focused on the part about him and Felix, "Minho-hyung, Felix and I are always flirting and messing around. We're best friends. We _do_  have a great history--because we go pretty far back. We've been best friends since-- hell-- elementary? We were born a _day_  apart. We have all these little things that our friends latch onto. They'll latch onto things like that with us, too, if you give them time. We've only been dating for a few months-- they've only _known you_ for a few months."

"But that's the thing. We _are_ dating. I think those little things should be easier to latch onto in relationships between couples than friends."

Maybe Minho was right, but Jisung was starting to get tired of his arguments. He stopped playing with Minho's hair, and had tucked his hands into his lap, "We're not-- I'm sorry, hyung, but five months isn't _nine years_. I'm not saying Felix and I have a _better_  relationship, but it's lasted so much longer than ours has, and my friends have known Felix for so much longer than they've known you."

"But Felix would be better for you, right? That's what they seem to think," Minho sounded so _bitter_ ; it was starting to poke at Jisung's nerves.

"Hyung, why do you care what other people think anyway? Who I'm with is about who I _want_  to be with. Our relationship is up to _us_." Jisung said, his shoulders falling, "Do you really want to base our relationship on how other people view and compare it?"

"I'm just worried, Jisung. They're your friends, and I know you love them. If they talk about you and Felix enough, I...." Minho stopped. Jisung asked, "What?" with a heavy tone, because he had a feeling he knew _what_. Minho didn't want to say it, so Jisung said it for him, "You think I'll leave you for him? You think I'll realize he's better for me?"

"It sounds a bit like you already have," Minho muttered. Jisung laughed in disbelief, "Hyung, you're _ridiculous_. Listen, my friends don't hate you, and I don't want to be in a relationship."

"You don't want to be in a relationship?"

"With Felix. I don't want to be in a relationship _with Felix_ ," Jisung said. Minho was quiet for a long time; Jisung was, too. It was killing him. He'd never fought with Minho before, and he was on edge because of it.

When the silence broke, it was because Minho was reaching for his things-- textbooks, notebooks, highlighters, pens. The two had been studying before their bickering about Felix, and the rest of Jisung's friends. Jisung watched him pack up his things, his head tilting up when Minho stood. He asked, "Where are you going?" with a voice that sounded far too weak. Minho looked at him, only for a moment, "I'm going home."

Minho was supposed to stay over. Jisung stood as Minho started to walk away, "Wait. Minho-hyung--"

Jisung wanted to tell him to stay. He wanted to tell him they should talk it out a little more. He wanted to tell him that this was a stupid fight, but he didn't. He didn't say any of that, because he thought it better to let Minho have some space, to let _himself_  have some space. He didn't, however, want to leave the night on bad terms, so he asked, with a little bit of a smile in his voice, "I don't get a goodbye, at least?"

"My goodbye isn't your goodbye, Jisung." Minho said. His hand was on Jisung's doorknob, and his bottom lip was between his teeth. Jisung waited for him to say something else, and hated what he heard-- "I don't think we should do this anymore."

"Fight?" Jisung attempted weakly, "I agree."

"You know what I mean, Jisung." Minho said. Jisung tried again, "I don't. I don't think I've understood you all night."

"Well, you don't have to anymore." Minho said. He didn't say anything more before he opened up Jisung's door and slammed his way out. Jisung flinched at the way his door shut, and sat back on the couch weakly, shocked at the way Minho had left for a minute. He saw the tears before he felt them, and they itched as they streamed down his cheeks. He could hardly believe it-- couldn't believe that Minho would break up with him over something so trivial. So his friends didn't think their relationship was as good as one that had lasted _nine years_. Why was that such a huge deal?

Jisung thought about calling one of his friends, but he also thought about how, essentially, they were the reason Minho had broken up with him--and he didn't like that particular attitude, and thought better than to dump those negative emotions on his friends before he had time to think; so he continued to study, with a bitter, lonely heart, for his test tomorrow morning. (His heavy heart didn't allow much comfort for sleep, that night.)

 

 

 

 

 

 **4:37, a.m.**  
Jisung couldn't take the loneliness any longer. The past four hours had been so suffocating.

Being alone was Jisung's biggest fear. That's why he "rushes into relationships," as Chan would say. That's why he " _always_  calls when he's by himself," as Seungmin would say. That's why he was annoying, Jeongin; that's why he was clingy, Hyunjin; he was _scared_.

Maybe Jisung was over-dramatic. Wasn't everyone, about something? Most of the time, Jisung kept it to himself. So, he had to spend _one_  hour for lunch alone, sometimes -- he could do it. So, his friends were busy over the weekend -- he would live. So, it was four-going-on five in the morning, and Jisung's heart was broken, and no one was awake at this hour -- why was he picking up his phone?

Jisung knew better than to make any late-night calls, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from sending out a message to his best friend, his Lee Felix, _are you awake? probably not. I can't sleep_.

Jisung stared at his screen for a long time. He wasn't expecting a response; more or less, he was just trying to decide what to do next, knowing sleep wouldn't work. Should he just get up and start getting ready? Should he sneak one of his grandmother's sleeping pills? --No. That was a bad idea. Should he watch videos? He was sure he could find _something_ that would make him laugh, or make him feel better-- distract him, at the very least. Should he watch the videos he had of him and Felix? That sounded like a good idea.

Jisung was about to crash his messenger to click around his videos when his screen lit up with a new message--from Felix. Jisung was shocked that Felix was awake.

 _what's wrong?_  
_should I come over?_

Jisung didn't want to bother Felix with that, but whether or not he _needed_  to, well-- _can you?_

 _as long as you unlock your door ;)_  
_I'll be there in fifteen_  
_want some snacks?_

Jisung quickly typed _no_ , knowing the limits of his burdening. Felix didn't respond again, so Jisung quietly made his way downstairs, taking two of his pillows and three of his blankets with him. He didn't want to risk traveling _back_  up the stairs to wake his grandmother after Felix arrived, so the two would have to settle on the couch for the night. With his pillows and blankets, Jisung made it as pretty and comfortable as possible-- fluffing up the pillows quietly and laying them against the couch's arm. He tucked one of his blankets over its cushions and lay the other two over the back of the couch, leaving them to wait for him and Felix. He moved to unlock the door, and checked his phone again-- nothing new from Felix. Jisung plopped down on the middle cushion of his couch and curled his legs to his chest, scrolled through his phone with an absent mind. With the knowledge that Felix would come to him soon, Jisung's heart felt a little lighter.

Felix didn't knock-- knew not to. The door opened slowly and carefully, and Felix entered Jisung's house quietly. He was carrying with him two bags of chips and a pair of scissors, as well as two bottled drinks. He placed everything carefully on the table before he shut the door-- hands less full so he could do it quietly. He joined Jisung on the couch and gave him a hug first thing. Jisung cuddled to his chest, and told Felix, "I thought I told you not to bring snacks."

"I thought you knew how well I know you." Felix said. He reached for one of the bags and quietly cut it open, handed it to Jisung. Jisung placed it on the couch, tilted up and open so that he could reach into it without making much noise. Felix cut the top off of his bag as well, and placed the scissors on the table. He leaned back, began to munch, and asked, "Why couldn't you sleep? Where's Minho?"

"He broke up with me." Jisung muttered, stuffing his pouting lips with three more chips. There was something comforting about sitting with Felix in the dark, the only light coming from the moon--but the curtains blocked out most of it. Jisung could hardly see Felix-- only his faint outline, so he had no idea how Felix reacted. Shock? Probably; he went quite silent. Jisung wasn't in the mood to elaborate, so he waited for Felix to express his reactions in words.

"He's an idiot," Felix said eventually, which made Jisung smile, and consider. He'd been thinking the same thing; perhaps he wasn't wrong.

"I know you said you couldn't sleep," Felix said after some time, when his bag had stopped rustling and Jisung only had a few chips left. Jisung had since cuddled up to Felix-- head on his shoulder, content with the position. Jisung felt far more like he could sleep now, he thought; and agreed with where Felix was going, "--but do you want to try? We have a test in a couple hours, and I'm here now, so...."

"Yes." Jisung said simply, groping for the blankets that lay over the couch while Felix gathered up their bags quietly and placed them on the table. Felix lay down first, and helped Jisung drape the blanket over him before Jisung lay down with him, his body also blanketing Felix. Felix helped tuck the blanket around Jisung-- as much as he could reach of the boy, anyway. Jisung's legs were left uncovered, but he was too lazy to adjust the blanket; and he was comfortable enough, anyway, to fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

There was no one else in the world that could make two hours of sleep feel like a night's worth, but Jisung woke up against Felix feeling no sleepier than he did most days, and he quite cherished the skill Felix had, to make him feel okay even through something as unconscious as sleep.

Jisung woke up before Felix did. Jisung was surprised at first, but when he registered the sound of his alarm, it made more sense. Felix wasn't as used to Jisung's alarm as Jisung was--though Felix did begin to stir after another moment. Felix's arms bumped against Jisung as he reached to stretch, and fell against him as he reached over to grab his phone off the table. His wrist bumped Jisung-- moon tattoo hitting the very tip of Jisung's nose-- and Jisung flinched away from the sudden hit with a shocked "Ah!" falling from his lips. Felix laughed a bit, and comforted him softly, "Sorry, sorry," and Jisung only responded with light laughter until his alarm had been turned off.

"I'm fine. You didn't get me very good this time," Jisung joked. He turned his head over, laying his right ear on Felix's chest instead of his left, which he had been laying on for the majority of the night-- could tell by the way it ached. Felix's chest didn't made for a surface as fluffy as a pillow, but Jisung didn't quite regret falling asleep against him, remembering how Felix's heartbeat lulled him to sleep. Jisung allowed himself a moment of listening to that heartbeat before he started to wake himself-- pulling his arms up to Felix's chest, and resting his chin against them. Felix had one of Jisung's pillows over his face, his arms against it, and Jisung laughed.

"We should start--" Jisung began to sit up, remaining on Felix's lap as he gently pressed his hands against the pillow, "--getting ready."

"You're crushing my face." Felix mentioned softly, and Jisung moved his hands away, slipping them under the pillow instead. He lifted it from Felix's face, and Felix grimaced at the way the light streamed in through the curtains and hit his face. Jisung gasped a bit at the color on Felix's face-- the purple and blue that formed at his cheek. His gasp shocked Felix into opening his eyes; and they teared at bit at the sudden burst of light they received. Jisung pointed out his cheek-- gestured to it with gentle fingers caressing the damaged area, "What happened?"

Jisung hated that he hadn't noticed last night--though, could he be blamed? The light were off. Felix wondered, "Hmm?" and reached up to touch his face. He flinched-- "Ow!"-- at the pain his own fingers had caused him, and then he laughed, amused, "I don't-- I think I ran into a street sign when I was coming over last night? I don't know-- I didn't think it would bruise this bad."

Felix's voice sounded off. Jisung didn't like that. He examined the bruise from this way and that, holding Felix's chin and tilting his head up, down, left, right-- the bruise just didn't seem like something that could have been caused by a simple bump. He wondered, "Were you _running?_ " because there was no way Felix would sustain a bruise so easily. He didn't think so, anyway. Perhaps he was over-worrying.

"No. It's no big deal, Jisung." Felix said. He sat himself up-- best he could, with Jisung on him. He leaned against his elbows, though his lower body remained flat. He was closer to Jisung, now; his smile was closer, and his reassurance was softer, "It doesn't even hurt."

"Unless you touch it." Jisung said. He carefully ran his fingers over the bruise again, and Felix shrugged, "I don't feel that," and Jisung poked it just to prove his point. Felix had the same reaction he had when he'd touched it himself-- a flinch, an "Ow!", but he laughed this time, and softly knocked his head against Jisung's chest, "Hey! Why'd you do that?"

"Because it does _hurt_." Jisung said. His hands fell against Felix's chest as he made to stand, but before he did, he asked, "Do you want some ice?" to know what direction he was going when he was on his feet.

"No, Sung, I'll be fine." Felix said. Jisung didn't want to believe him, but the bruise really didn't seem to be bothering Felix-- and he doubted if anyone was going to agitate it. He muttered, "Fine," just so Felix knew he wasn't happy about it, and he stood. He started for the bathroom instead of the kitchen, but didn't make it far-- because Felix's fingers touched his wrist, and held him back for a moment.

"Hey," Felix said, and Jisung looked. Felix was giving him a smile, trying to reassure him, but Jisung noticed the force behind it-- couldn't ignore it, really. He could tell when Felix was lying, or when he was off; and he surely wasn't telling Jisung the whole truth, "I'm okay."

 _I'm_ okay-- Not _it's_ , not _Don't worry_ , no light-hearted joke to make Jisung smile. _I'm okay_.

"As long as you're sure, Felix."

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung spent his lunch with Felix. He'd been spending a lot of time with Felix lately--last night, that morning, cramming before their test. Now, right after their test, the two found an empty area of the field outside to curl up together, and eat their respective meals. Jisung's consisted of a sandwich he'd thrown together that morning, and a bag of chips Felix bought for him at the convenience store that morning, on their way to school. Felix's consisted of the same things--a sandwich Jisung had thrown together, and a bag of chips he'd bought himself.

They ate quietly for some time. Felix held Jisung by his waist, his chest once again acting as a sturdy area for Jisung to lean against. His jacket was tucked around Jisung's legs, acting as a blanket--though it wasn't cold. Jisung was more comfortable this way, though. He liked to be surrounded by Felix.

"Jisung." Felix said. Jisung hummed, tilting his head up to look at him. The bruises on Felix's face were a shadow against the moon, and the darkness had reached Felix's eye by the morning's end. Felix had been questioned about the bruises all day, and Felix had constantly said _I ran into something last night, because I was walking in the dark_. No one was buying it, but no one really pushed, either. _Yet_. It was for that reason-- and, for Jisung's unstable emotions-- that the two of them opted out of sitting with their friends at lunch.

"I want to tell you something," Felix said. His voice was shaking, like he might cry. Jisung didn't say a word, didn't make a sound, didn't move a muscle. Felix was like an abused puppy when his emotions were weak; he would either snap, or run away. Jisung knew better than to startle him.

"I don't want you to...." Felix sighed. He put his food down; he gathered both of his arms around Jisung, and hooked his chin over Jisung's shoulder-- hugging his back to his chest. Jisung felt tears dripping onto his shoulder, and carefully-- _carefully_ \-- touched Felix's legs. Felix had no reaction to the touch, for he was speaking, "You have to promise me that this is something that stays between us, okay? I can handle it on my own."

"You're scaring me." Jisung admitted softly. He knew it had something to do with the bruises on Felix's cheek. He knew Felix didn't just _run into a light post_ , but he didn't expect the story behind it to be so heavy. The anxiety was taking a toll on Jisung's body; he wanted something to grip, but knew better than to grip Felix, so he curled his fingers around Felix's jacket, its fabric preventing Jisung's fingernails from scratching his jeans, "What is it?"

"It's my dad." Felix said. Jisung was confused. His dad? Jisung knew Felix's father--briefly. He didn't often talk to the man, for he was rather reserved, and constantly working. Anytime he was at Felix's house-- which, admittedly, wasn't often, because it was so much easier to meet in the house of a retired old woman than that of a working man-- the two spent all their time in Felix's room, and hardly saw his father at all.

"He did it. He hit me." Felix said. Jisung had no idea what to say. He hit Felix? Jisung looked at the bruise again. Felix's eyes were closed, and there were tears rolling over the purple and blue marks. Why would Felix's father hit him _so_  hard?

Jisung was desperate to know, but he didn't want to ask. Luckily, Felix decided to-- or maybe couldn't help but-- spill his secret, "It's not the first time he's done it. He used to say sorry-- used to tell me it was stress from work, he wouldn't do it again.... Now, it's just-- an everyday thing. He's more like a-- a boss than a father. I have to follow his rules, I have to do everything he says.... I'm scared to go home today, because he might have found out that I wasn't home all night. I'm not supposed to leave. I'm not even supposed to see you."

"Why?" Jisung asked. He wanted to tell Felix _you didn't have to come_ , but he was sure Felix knew that. If anything, that might make him feel worse for coming at all. It was Felix's decision to come; Jisung shouldn't start to blame him.

"I told him...." Felix stopped. His eyes were open now, but he had tilted his face further into Jisung's shoulder-- now his lips were against Jisung's sweater, and he wasn't speaking. He stared into an area of the grass for a moment, silent tears rolling down his cheeks-- soaking into Jisung's sweater, or being blown toward Felix's neck by the wind. Jisung waited for Felix to speak, but it didn't seem like he was going to.

"It's okay." Jisung attempted, though his voice cracked and he _knew_  he was saying the wrong thing, but he didn't know what else to say, "You-- you're going to be okay."

"I know." Felix muttered. He sniffled, and he sat up--finally responsive. He made to wipe off his tears, but he didn't have the sleeves to do so. Jisung was quick to turn to him, to offer up his sleeves. He wiped Felix's eyes, and held his cheeks when the tears were gone. He looked at Felix, and tried to smile for him, but all he could muster were trembling lips and a whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"I should be thanking you." Felix said. He closed his eyes, and he tilted his cheek against Jisung's palm--still donned with his sweater. Felix had a smile about his lips, and a subtle laugh about his voice, "You've kept me... here. Like-- if you weren't around, I think I would have shut down a while ago."

"I'll always be here." Jisung said. He leaned in, and kissed Felix's forehead-- and he thought about kissing the bruises, too, but decided against it. Felix sat up from Jisung's hold, and smiled again at Jisung, told him, "I can handle this, though. Please, just-- don't tell anyone else, okay? Please?"

Jisung really didn't want to keep that promise, but, for Felix's sake, he told him, "Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

Han Jisung was under extreme stress, and extreme pressure for three months.

There were steps to Jisung's stress. The first was school; with Christmas come and gone, break passing by in no time, the classes were harder, and the scores for finals came back. Jisung did well enough, though it had taken a majority of his brain capacity to keep up with his lessons. It was hard, to do so much when he had so much _more_  on his mind.

Jisung had been thinking about Minho a lot lately. A part of him couldn't let Minho go, though he _should_  be the least of Jisung's problems. Unfortunately, however, Jisung _was_ terrified of being alone; and perhaps he had brought it upon himself. It was his fault, really, for avoiding his friends, for not being able to help Felix. It was his fault for pining for Minho. It was his fault for being _that_  scared of being alone. He had no one but himself to blame.

 _Blame_. That brought the pressure and the stress to Felix. Lee Felix... he was doing horribly.

Christmas break did this to Felix. Spending every day at home, and having hardly a chance to sneak out meant Felix was calling Jisung through phone or video at 5:00 every day, either crying or sounding more distant than Jisung had ever known him to be. Jisung's worry was killing him. He came to a point where he almost told his grandmother, just so she could tell him what to do; but he thought better of it. Maybe not better, but he thought of Felix's trust, and Felix's wishes, and he didn't say a word.

Then Felix missed a week of school after Christmas break, and Jisung was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

He wouldn't even answer his phone anymore. Jisung had a morbid thought that Felix was dead-- a less morbid one that Felix had run away. Jisung finally returned to his friends in a frenzy of worry, asking if any of them had seen Felix. Their answers were negative, and Hyunjin mentioned, "We hardly see _you_  anymore," and he was questioned-- "Where have you been?" "Are you okay?" "What's wrong, hyung?" "Is Felix okay?" "How have you been?" but he couldn't answer Seungmin, or Chan, or Jeongin, or Changbin, or Woojin. He could hardly stand to be around them. Thinking about them-- his _friends_ \-- only made him think of Felix-- his _best friend_ , and he was going to break with worry.

Jisung landed himself in the counselor's office after school. He spent ten minutes trying to call Felix before he left school. He couldn't process why he had stayed in the building instead of going home, where Felix could find him easily--should he pick up this time. He could have gone to Felix's house if he dared, but he was too scared to do so. If any of his morbid ideas were true, he didn't want to have to find out first-hand.

"You're waiting for Ms. Park, right?" one of the adults in the office asked, and Jisung nodded silently. She checked her watch, and peeked around the corner. She told him, softly, "She should be done in just a few minutes. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you." Jisung said. He wasn't, but she didn't have to know that. She gave him another little smile before she walked away. Jisung tapped his foot against the ground, anxiously shaking his leg, looking around. Maybe he shouldn't do this. He _really_  shouldn't do this. He should get up, and walk out. He should go home. He should call Felix all night, until he finally picked up. His phone wasn't going directly to voicemail. His phone wasn't dead. He was ignoring Jisung, or maybe the whole world -- but he was still _there_ , and Jisung _could_  get through to him if he tried.

"Jisung?"

Jisung looked up at the call of his name. He saw a young student walk out of Ms. Park's office. His eyes were red and his jaw was bruised. Jisung stared at him for a long moment, his blinking eyes trying to see that he had imagined it. Before he could will the bruise away from the boy's jaw, though, his name was called again, "Jisung?"

"Sorry, Ms. Park," Jisung said quickly. He walked toward the woman, passing her to get into her office. She quietly shut the door behind her and drew the curtains back. She didn't move away from them at first, turning to ask Jisung, "Is it okay like this? Or would you rather have the curtains closed?" and Jisung really couldn't care either way, so he muttered, "It's fine," and she left them open, let the sun stream into the room. It reminded him of Felix, a bit.

"It's nice to see you again sweetheart-- sit wherever you're comfortable," the woman said. There were only a few chairs in the room. Jisung picked one with a red cushion and sat on it, and she sat across from him. She gave him a sweet smile. Jisung couldn't return it. He felt so wrong, being here. He felt, again, like he should stand up and walk away--but his legs anchored him to the chair.

"What can I do for you?" Ms. Park asked. This was his last chance, Jisung thought. He was having his last rational thoughts before he spilled absolutely everything. He had _one_ more chance to tell her, "Actually, I don't think I need to talk-- I'm sorry--" before he crossed the boundary--past the point of no return.

He didn't take it.

"It's about Lee Felix," Jisung said. "I need to talk to you about Lee Felix."

 

 

 

 

 

Chan gathered Woojin, Changbin, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin, because he decided they needed to talk. The six of them had worried over Jisung and Felix for the past month or so-- worried because they weren't coming around; because they weren't answering messages; because they weren't even talking to _each other_ , it seemed. Minho let them know-- albeit rudely-- that he was no longer with Jisung when Chan and Jeongin cornered him to ask. Jisung hadn't mentioned _that_  to any of them.

Chan attempted to invite Jisung and Felix, with a simple message: _come over, we want to talk_. None of them really expected the two to _actually_  show up, nor did they really even expect a reply. Half an hour after the messages went out, Jisung came knocking. He even accepted the hugs they gave, and offered a (sad) smile to each of them. They took him gently-- gentle arms, gentle words, gentle questions.

Felix gave no reply.

Chan knew he wouldn't show. He wouldn't even show his face in school; and Jisung didn't know why. They asked him-- with some impatience-- "Are you _sure_  you don't know anything?" until Woojin and Chan had to tame the younger boys into asking gentle questions again. Jisung said, again and again, he didn't know anything; he was sick with worry; he wasn't sure how to contact Felix unless they went to his house--and "that's not a good idea," for some reason. Chan didn't have time to ask why-- no one did.

"It was _you_ , wasn't it?"

" _Felix?_ " Jisung looked at the door that had just slammed open, all the breath in his lungs leaving them. The day was overwhelming enough as it was--sitting with his friends again, trying his best to dodge their concern and avoid answering their questions. He told them he hadn't seen Felix in a month, and that he was worried, and that he _didn't_ know why Felix was gone -- but here Felix was, looking like he'd been through hell and back, with a busted lip and bruises all over his visible skin; and Jisung knew _no one_ would believe him if he said he had no idea that was happening.

"You told, didn't you?" Felix was stalking too close to Jisung for how angry he was. The others sensed this, and sprung quickly into action. Hyunjin wrapped his arms protectively around Jisung's shoulders, while Changbin grabbed onto Felix and forced him to keep his distance. The others were prepared to move, too, should something happen. They trusted Felix and Jisung not to get physical with each other, but Felix was such a mess of anger-- tears streaming down his cheeks, teeth clenched, "I told you _not to_ , Jisung!" --that they decided not to risk it.

"F-Felix--" Jisung was far weaker; there was no anger to him yet, only fear; and the others began to wonder what he could have done wrong.

"What's going on?" Chan voiced the curiosity that everyone was feeling, stepping between the two best friends. He searched each of them for answers. Neither one of them would cough any up, until Felix alluded to-- "Jisung betrayed me, is all," and Jisung's anger came by the accusation, "I just wanted to _help you_ , Felix! I hadn't heard from you in _so_  long, and I _knew_  you were hurting, and I couldn't just do _nothing!_ "

"It's up to _me_  to decide my pain and it's up to _me_  to decide how to handle it!"

"You _weren't_  handling it!"

"That's not _your_  problem!"

" _What_ is going on?" Chan demanded again, but Jisung and Felix were both looking past him to glare at each other.

"The police showed up at my house, Jisung, and I had to book it! I probably can't even show up there anymore."

" _Police?_ " Chan asked, shocked. He hadn't been expecting _this_  kind of drama-- _these_  kinds of outbursts when he invited Jisung and Felix to talk. He hadn't been expecting _any_ of this-- and that was on the off chance that _both_  of them showed up. He looked to Felix with his shock, and it took him a minute to formulate a question-- "What-- what the _hell_  are you-- talking about?"

Felix still looked past Chan, but stopped ignoring him entirely, "Why don't _you_  tell them, Jisung? Since you love _telling_  so much."

Jisung had been close enough to bursting into tears before; and Felix's words were the last drop to break the floodgates. Jisung ripped himself from Hyunjin and fled the room before they burst; Hyunjin was quick to follow, with someone else-- Seungmin-- on his heels.

"Felix." Chan confronted him calmly, "What's going on?"

"My dad abuses me," it took Felix a couple minutes to say, and he laughed when he finally did-- bitterly, shaking his head and biting his tongue, "Jisung found out, and he decided to tell someone. I don't know who, but-- police showed up, and they started locking up my dad...."

"You're mad at _Jisung_  for that?" Chan asked. Felix looked at Chan, incredulous, "Hyung, you _know_  my only family is in Australia. He does, too-- and you _know_  I have a fat chance of moving back here on my own. That's why I wanted Jisung to keep this a secret!"

"And _you_  know that that's all pessimistic talk, and you _know_  how much Jisung cares about you, especially now." Chan said. He reached for Felix's shoulder, and brushed Changbin away from Felix gently-- Changbin, who looked shocked-- Changbin, who took a step back-- Changbin, who went to tell the others when Chan said, "Felix and I are going for a ride, but we'll be back tonight, okay?"

"Where are we going?" Felix asked quietly when Changbin was gone-- when it was only him and Chan left. Chan picked up his keys, and his jacket, and, "We're going to the police station."

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung couldn't sleep again. His loneliness was plaguing him, and his thoughts wouldn't stay quiet long enough to let him rest. He had the opportunity to spend the night with Chan and Woojin-- as they would both be at Chan's house that night, but he declined. Jeongin asked him, too, if he wanted to stay at his house-- "I have a big room, hyung, we'll have a lot of space!" but Jisung said no. Hyunjin and Seungmin were spending the night together; Jisung didn't join them. Even Changbin asked, but Jisung said no.

Jisung didn't want to be _alone_ , but he didn't want just anyone, either. He wanted _Felix_.

He supposed that was his main problem, through all of this. He just wanted Felix. He wasn't ever _lonely_ \-- he was just without Felix. All his relationships, all his sleepless nights, all his off days-- it all added up to not seeing Felix, or having an argument with him, and not being with him the way Jisung had recently pieced together he wanted to be. He'd had such a hard time lately because he knew Felix was hurting. He had such a hard time now because he thought Felix might hate him. He was more relieved, though, knowing that _someone_  had done _something_. He could only hope they would follow through with it; he could only hope Felix wouldn't defend his father. He had Chan with him, when he went to the station. Chan wouldn't let him do that, right?

Jisung heard a soft knock from downstairs-- someone at his front door?-- and wondered if he'd imagined it. He turned to the clock-- 4:29. He wasn't getting any sleep, so he thought he might as well check. His hoped lifted him from his bed; he went downstairs. He opened the door and met Lee Felix with a hug.

"Hi," Jisung said quietly, his voice shaky with shock, relief. Felix had practically thrown himself into Jisung's arms, and had a tight grip on him then. Jisung hadn't had time to lift his arms, so they were trapped at his sides as Felix held him. He didn't dare move-- wasn't sure if Felix was upset-- wasn't sure if his emotions were teetering on the edge of something dangerous again. Would he snap? Would he break down? Jisung didn't know, so he didn't move.

"I have to leave." Felix said. He was crying; that much Jisung already knew. He felt the wracks in Felix's body and the tears against his chest. Felix faced him, and cried openly, "They're arresting him, and I'm too young to stay here by myself. I-- I have to go with my aunt."

"And she's in Australia." Jisung said quietly. Felix nodded, and sobbed. Jisung was careful about touching Felix-- was careful to pull him into the house slowly, and keep his hold gentle. He was careful to shut the door quietly, and not move _too_  much. He was careful to sit them both down; and Felix leaned over him, pushed him to lay down, and curled onto his stomach weakly. He cried like that for a long time, while Jisung stared at the ceiling, and comforted his hands on the back of Felix's head.

He didn't regret it-- not for a second. With Felix's dad gone, that meant no more abuse. At least, he _hoped_  it meant no more abuse. He dared to ask, "Felix? Is your aunt related to your mom or your dad?"

Felix choked out, "Mom," and that made Jisung feel a little better.

"I have to leave tomorrow. She wanted me tonight, but-- I-- I couldn't. I had to see you." Felix said. He looked up-- sat up-- and Jisung followed him. Felix choked out the last of his sobs and rubbed his eyes harshly. He was still a mess, but his voice was clearer, "Chan-hyung talked to me.... He told me I was being ridiculous, and he was right. It wasn't your fault. It _isn't_  your fault. I shouldn't blame you. You were so selfless. Even-- even though you knew you could lose me, you still told."

Jisung wasn't sorry. He thought he should say sorry but he couldn't be _sorry_  for putting a stop to Felix's abuse. Felix didn't seem to want an apology, anyway-- in fact, "Thank you;" Felix laughed a little bit, "It was getting so bad. I was-- I was shutting down, even though I knew I still had you...."

"I wasn't really _around_ ," Jisung said quietly. He regretted not visiting Felix. He should have braved it-- but would that have made things worse? Jisung remembered Felix telling him that his dad didn't want him to see Jisung anymore. If Jisung showed up, would Felix have gotten it worse? Would the shadow of the moon have cast over his entire expression? His entire _body?_

"But I knew you were still there. I know you'd never leave me. Even-- even now." Felix said. He moved to hug Jisung again-- tight grip, shaking shoulders. He was crying, but he was laughing, "I think I hate him. My dad. He didn't want us to see each other, and I think he won."

"He didn't win. He'll never win. You're right, Felix, I _won't_ leave you. Even though you have to go, I'll still be right here." Jisung said. Felix was quiet, but Jisung could hear the steady of his breath and could feel the movement of his cheek, and he knew Felix had smiled for a least a moment, and had calmed down long since.

"Can I come with you tomorrow?" Jisung asked quietly, shyly. He knew it wasn't anywhere near his place to ask-- wasn't his place to invite himself, but Felix held him tighter, and, "Please."

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung got his grandmother to drive him and Felix to the airport the next day. She asked them questions the whole way there, and they told her the whole story. She pitied Felix and told him he was strong-- told him he would make it back there some day; _someone_  had to love her grandson, after all. They both amused at her, and kissed her goodbye when she dropped them off. She told Jisung she could wait, but Jisung assured that he would find a way home-- taxi, bus, didn't matter. He would be fine; he just wanted to be alone with Felix.

Most of the time they spent together was quiet-- passing through security and finding a place to settle. They found some airport snacks and each bought a water, soothing their dry, nervous throats. Neither one of them wanted to say goodbye, and it felt like opening their mouths would only result in that. Having a conversation _now_  meant having the last conversation they would have in the same room together-- for a long while, at least.

"I'm really sorry-- that you have to go back, I mean." Jisung finally apologized. He said it with a small smile, finding it in himself to attempt to lighten the mood. He remembered what he thought about being sorry-- "Honestly, though, I don't think I'll ever be sorry for telling."

"You don't have to be sorry for anything." Felix said-- legs curled up against him, body leaning over the seat so he could cuddle up against Jisung. Jisung wished he could make the armrest between him and Felix disappear, but Felix seemed comfortable enough with the pillow tucked between him and the metal bar. He seemed comfortable enough making a pillow out of Jisung's chest, too.

"I'm almost an adult. One more year, and... I can come back." Felix said, and he sighed, "I can _try_."

"Will you _want_  to come back?" Jisung asked, thinking of the trauma that must plague Felix-- between his father's abuse and Jisung's broken trust. Felix's reply didn't come before his flight was called. He uncurled himself, and stood; and Jisung stood with him, helping him gather his things. He thought Felix might leave him without answering the question; he thought he might go a year-- or forever-- without knowing if Felix wanted to come back, but Felix replied in some silent moments after Jisung had folded up his blanket and Felix had gathered up his pillows.

"I don't think I'll ever _want_  to come back," Felix said. Jisung's heart dropped-- he knew it-- but Felix wasn't done, "But I know I'll _need_  to."

"Need to? Why would you _need_ \--?" Jisung didn't get to continue, for Felix's hands were on his cheeks, and their lips were together. Jisung didn't even get to close his eyes before Felix's lips were gone, forming a sad little smile and some words, "Wait for me, okay?"

Jisung just nodded. Felix had to go, then; and he left with a small goodbye, a hug, and some tears dripping down his cheeks. Jisung stood there crying until Felix had boarded; and even for some time after. He couldn't claim to have cried all night, but he _could_  claim to have sat on his front porch to watch the moon when he got home, with his legs curled up against him, and his heart heavy in his chest.

 _Wait for me, okay?_ the moon asked Jisung, and Jisung smiled at it, assured it, "I'm pretty patient, after all."


End file.
